Want and Resent
by lightwavesurfer
Summary: She didn't want to make any empty promises. This time, it was her turn to give Maki everything she had.


_Last installment of You're in Love aka the sequel of Happily_

 _I don't own Love Live_

* * *

Honoka came into her life unexpected, without preamble, without warning, just like their first meeting almost two decades ago. Honoka always had her ways to find Umi and Umi always let Honoka in without too much resistance.

Of course, Honoka had changed. More mature, more reserved, still enthusiastic but less contagious. Life changed people and Honoka was just like everyone else when they got older. Honoka was living with Kotori and whatever those two had was more than enough for an explanation. And as Umi gave Honoka her utmost attention, she wondered whether Honoka was happy with her life.

"Wow, New York?"

Honoka nodded, leaning back to the chair. She invited Umi for lunch to catch up the time they lost and ended up wasting their time in that comfortable café. Soft music flowed around them, giving off an easy vibe at each note. Fans whirled above them to provide some cool breeze to sate the summer heat.

"Yeah. Kotori finally scored a job in the states. And she wants me to go with her," Honoka sighed. "I'm worried I'm just going to be a nuisance."

"Oh, please. There's only one reason why she wants you there. Don't play dumb, Honoka," Umi scoffed.

"I'm just worried, okay? This is important for her. One tiny misstep and everything will be gone. And I'm worried that I don't have the strength to support her."

One of Honoka's traits was her inability to feel worry. Although occasionally Umi hated Honoka for that, she admitted that Honoka's carefree attitude was the main force to keep her going back in the heyday. Now that Honoka was worried, Umi thought she could give some help.

She took Honoka's hand, something of a habit she always did to comfort the girl. "You're going to be fine. Both of you. You both love each other and I believe everything will turn out alright."

Honoka stared to Umi's face for a second then shut her eyes and lightly nodded to herself, letting Umi's words immerse into her.

"Yeah. I think I'll manage."

"For someone who's notoriously peppy, you can be quite insecure, Honoka."

Honoka smiled nervously. "Enough about me. How about you and Maki-chan?"

The old clock was chiming and Umi let her mind wander. She closed her eyes, breathed slowly, and tried to think about what she should say to Honoka. She was reluctant to talk about personal matter, especially about her relationship with the charming redhead. It wasn't that she's hiding something. It's more complicated than that.

"We're…" Umi bit her lower lip. "We're going to get married."

The joyful twinkle in Honoka's eyes was too obvious. It was troublesome and it did something cruel to her conscience.

"That's a good news! Maki proposed you? When is the wedding? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not that important—"

Honoka shook her head profusely. "It _is important_! I always know Maki had it in her!" Umi blushed at that. Honoka kept talking. "And to think that she asked you to marry her… Oh my God! That's a very good news!"

The cheerful tone of Honoka's voice surprised Umi. It was the kind of Honoka Umi missed. It was the kind of Honoka Umi _loved._

"Umi-chan?" Honoka leaned closer to look at her old friend. "What's wrong? You okay?"

"I'm fine." Umi said, smiling weakly. Glancing down, she gave the white-gold band on her left ring finger a look before looked back to Honoka. "Just tired."

If Honoka realized something, she did her job hiding it very well. Umi might think of herself as a stoic person, but if there's one person she couldn't deceive, it's Honoka. Umi intentionally didn't talk much but when she met Honoka's knowing eyes, she knew she's exposed.

Helpless. Hopeless. Just like that time when she confessed to Honoka back in high school.

"Umi-chan."

Honoka's voice was gentle and yet Umi didn't feel any ounce of comfort from it. She didn't deserve Honoka's sympathy. She didn't even deserve to receive the abundance of Maki's love.

"I'm sorry." Her head hung low in shame.

Her nails unconsciously scratched the bare skin of her thigh, leaving red marks. Anger and shame convulsed through her body and she had nobody to hate except herself.

A warm hand crept up to her and stopped her from making more damage. Umi relented, fingers slowly unfurled.

Even after everything she'd done, it did nothing to change what she felt for Honoka.

She loved Honoka, even if Honoka didn't.

"You're really troublesome, Umi-chan," Honoka said slowly, realizing that she hit the spot. When Umi began to tremble, she felt a bit guilty for saying that. But Honoka didn't know other things to say. She was never good in comforting people; it's Kotori's job anyway.

"I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know I should have a better _self control_ ," Umi lamented with as much as venom as possible. "You know. Old habits die hard."

"I know."

Tired of being the receiving end of Honoka's undeserved sympathy, Umi let out a bitter chuckle. She pulled her hand from Honoka. The touch felt like it's burning.

"No. You don't. You don't know how it feels. These feelings just won't go away and I… I really hate it. It makes me crazy."

Honoka didn't push her luck. She slinked back on her seat, still staring at Umi.

"Why are you suddenly calling me?"

"Because I miss you?"

Umi shot Honoka a look, which the latter ignored.

"I really do miss you. You're my friend. We haven't talked for god knows how long. I want to know what you've been up to." Honoka grabbed Umi's chin and tilted in upwards to get a better angle of the latter's face. Umi had gotten prettier as years went by.

"Let's talk about this somewhere else," Honoka said as she stood up, smiling at befuddled Umi. "Tell me everything I need to know."

* * *

"So this is where you live? Maki-chan sure is giving you everything." Honoka commented the spacious room and smiled in approval. Umi sat on the couch as she followed Honoka with her eyes.

"Guess you've been traveling around, eh?" Honoka asked as she stared at the huge frame where hundreds of photographs stored.

"Yeah. We love traveling despite our busy schedules."

Honoka stared at the ring on Umi's finger. She finally joined Umi on the couch.

"You live a happy life." Umi went rigid at that, much to Honoka's expectation. "This is the best life a girl can ask, don't you think?"

"It is," Umi answered with a flat voice and scooted as far away from Honoka. "Maki… she spoiled me a bit too much. Never care that I really don't need this kind of treatment."

Honoka pretended to look confused. "What else she should do?"

"I don't deserve it." Umi miffed, feeling that Honoka was yanking her chain. "And you know why."

"Why?"

"Like I said…" Umi smirked and looked at Honoka intently. "I still love you." She continued with a lower voice. "Maybe it'll be easier for me if I can resent you as much as I love you."

Honoka nodded. "You think it'll work?"

"It'll work, no, it _must_ work. But knowing how weak and coward I really am, I believe this is just another losing battle."

"What about the ring on your finger?"

Umi looked down, frowning so hard as if she's trying to curse herself. "Just think of it as a compromise."

Honoka parted her lips mildly, partly surprised at Umi's way at explaining something as important as this. "So you're telling me that Maki means nothing to you?"

"She means everything to me."

"You're contradicting yourself. Stop that."

"I'm trying, Honoka."

The playful air around Honoka dissipated and as Umi turned around, she could feel Honoka's sharp glare piercing her, as if it's punishing her for everything she'd done.

"You had two years to do it," retorted Honoka, sharply. "Two years to forget about me. That's more than enough, Umi-chan!"

"Oh I don't know why, Honoka!" Umi said as she stood from the couch, unable to stand how savage Honoka stripped her raw. "Why I keep loving you all these years and hurting Maki in the process! I hate that I can't even move on from you! I hate that I can't stop myself from thinking about you!"

Umi massaged her temples, eyes screwed shut. She had lost it. She let emotions took over. Voices still echoing inside her head, Umi tried to keep her breathing stable. Bad things always came from anger.

"Don't blame yourself."

"No. It's purely my fault. I lost control. It won't happen again."

Umi expected to see pity on Honoka's face but she received a weak smile instead. Honoka had too much control over how she felt and it was downright scaring her.

Honoka walked past her and stood by the window. And before she knew it, Umi followed suit and stood near Honoka. Eyes traveled to the side, Umi observed Honoka and notice the burden within those blue eyes. Umi bit the inside of her cheek.

"You're so dear to me, Umi-chan," Honoka said to break the silence. "But there's always this invisible wall that separate us; the same wall that prevents me from loving you."

Another cut to the heart, although the first one cut deepest.

"And that wall is Kotori?"

Honoka chuckled. "Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? I don't know either." She watched as Umi's eyes shifted to escape from her. "I'm serious with Kotori. And I don't think I want to change what we have now."

Umi didn't say anything despite the raging emotion she's currently feeling at the moment.

"And I think you also don't want to change what you have with Maki-chan, do you?" Tired of standing, Honoka sat on the floor with her legs stretching out without looking away from Umi's defeated face. "If you think this is a compromise, there's no way you'd accept Maki's proposal that easily. You love Maki as much as she loves you. You just don't want to accept it."

"I don't—"

"When will you stop lying to yourself, Umi-chan?" Honoka turned serious again and Umi quickly shut her mouth. "Maki tried her best to make you happy. Why can't you do the same?"

Umi felt like Honoka was cutting her heart to pieces; voice was calm but strikingly ruthless in its clarity.

"Honoka, I—"

"You can have everyone in this world but there's only one person who's worth hell." Honoka said in finality as she walked to the couch to retrieve her purse. "Maki has made her choice. So maybe it's your turn this time?"

* * *

Maki dragged her feet out from the toilet. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Unhappy. Unsatisfied. That's the life of an intern. Sure she's good at her job but it didn't make anything less easy. It was her sixth months and she felt like giving up now.

The longue was empty save for some nurses who had their shift. Maki waved her hand to them and continued walking to the lobby, putting on her earphones. She sighed; those magical things music could do to her. It was almost 2 o'clock in the morning and Maki almost fainted at how tired she was.

The rain was still pouring outside. Finally at the lobby, Maki fished out her phone to call taxi when a familiar figure caught her attention.

"Umi?"

Umi's clothes were drenched and her body was shivering in cold.

Maki rushed to Umi's side and draped her cardigan over Umi's trembling figure. Umi's eyes were empty and her skin looked very pale. How long had she been outside, Maki wondered to herself.

"You're feverish," Maki hissed as she pressed her hand on Umi's forehead. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. "What the hell are you thinking? You—"

"I can't sleep," was all Umi replied, voice soft. She hugged Maki's cardigan closer and looked down to her feet. "It's cold and lonely without you."

"With you soaking wet like that of course it is," Maki scolded with a shake of her head. "And yeah. I'm also lonely here."

Umi pressed closer to Maki and kissed the latter's lips lightly, savoring her taste and warmth.

"Let's go home. Please. I need you." She kissed Maki again, deeply this time. "I _want you_."

* * *

Umi stared out of the window to see at the flickering lights of after rain Tokyo. The room was in complete silence and it was all she could ask for.

She stared at Maki beside her. Wide awake, the redhead seemed to have difficulty sleeping too although she looked dreadfully tired.

They knew they had to talk. They knew they had _so many_ to talk about. However, as hours ticked by, silence was all they had. Maki didn't mind it but she knew that Umi didn't have the same mindset as hers. For once, Maki didn't try to gouge the answer from Umi. She was tired and it'd be a bliss if she could just fall asleep.

"I lied to you. I still love Honoka," Umi murmured, turning around so she didn't have to see Maki's face.

Maki brought herself closer to Umi and leaned to her, pulling Umi closer and although Maki's limbs weren't particularly strong, Umi couldn't think any other safer options. If Maki was weak, how else could she have endured the world's unfairness and loved Umi so selflessly?

"I can't force you to forget what you feel, Umi. You can't choose the person you love."

Umi sat up. "God, Maki! You're not a saint! I said this to you because I want to know what you really feel for me!"

"I've done everything to prove what I feel for you, Umi. Is it not—"

Umi interrupted Maki again. "You know how useless it is, Maki. You know I can't love you fully and yet you're still here, hanging to every hope that someday I can reciprocate your feelings! Are you an idiot?"

Maki twirled the tip of her hair, a habit she did every time she's bored, annoyed, or nervous. She lied back down and turned her back on Umi and although Maki's voice was heavy with agony, Umi could still hear her.

"You're hopelessly in love with Honoka and here I am, hopelessly in love with you. But I don't want to end up like you. I don't want to be a loser like you. That's why I did all those things. I want to win. I want to make you understand what I feel for you."

"Although you understand the consequences?"

"That's the bet I'm willing to take," Maki answered.

Umi scooted to Maki and rested her head on Maki's shoulder. Maki didn't shake her off.

"Idiot."

* * *

"Tell me when you realize that you have feelings for me."

They changed position now. Maki was sitting on the floor and facing the window while Umi was still lying on the bed. Conversations came and went smoothly without any awkward silence.

"When I saw you crying that day after you confessed to Honoka," Maki replied easily.

Umi blinked. "That long?"

Maki contemplated to lie, but she decided to nod her head. If they really wanted to keep everything together, honesty should come first.

"That long. And when we talked in the backyard, when we had a sleepover in your house," Maki continued. "I think that's the turning point."

"Then how come you confessed to me after we graduated?"

Maki left the information that she also felt insecure about the prospect of dating Umi. And when Umi finally became her girlfriend, Maki _almost believed_ that she's the happiest girl on the planet.

"I was a coward," Maki answered curtly.

"There must be another reason."

"Why I confessed to you after we graduated. I was a coward and terribly insecure about our future."

* * *

"Is Honoka doing okay?" Maki tried to change the conversation. She actually didn't want to know about it, frankly. She asked it because she had nothing else to say.

Or maybe Maki was a bit curious.

"She'll move to New York with Kotori at the end of this year."

"Are you sad?"

A pause. A sign of reluctance. "I am."

"For Honoka? Kotori? Or both?"

Another pause. "Both of them."

"Are you being honest with me?"

Umi didn't like the accusation in Maki's voice. "Both of them are my friends, Maki."

"Well, knowing you, I won't take your statement at face value."

Umi slid off the bed, furious at Maki's accusation. "You want me to say that I should go with Honoka? You want me to say I wish I'm in Kotori's place? Is that it?"

Maki's defeated look made Umi wanted to jump out of the window so she can be free from this sickening sensation. Maki's eyes were like hammer to her body, plummeting her viciously, hitting her head and stomach simultaneously. She wished for Maki to lash out at her, to say savage things to her, anything than this deafening stillness.

"If you go, I'll run after you. Just like I always do."

Maki's face was blurred and before Umi could stop herself, her cheeks were already wet from tears. Her body sagged to the wall as Maki stood in front for her, holding her from crumbling down.

"I—This is hopeless, Maki. We're hopeless. What we have, what we've done… we're just going to hurt each other."

Maki held Umi's face in her hands. She, too, was crying and just like Umi, she had a difficulty in controlling herself. She kissed Umi's wet cheeks, fingers gently massaging the back of her neck.

"Are you going to give up on us, Umi?"

Umi held on Maki's hand, staring at those teary eyes, and felt very vulnerable. Honoka's voice reverberated within her. "I don't know what I want to do. It doesn't even make sense but I realize that you're so… _dear_ to me, Maki. And I…" she let out a bitter laugh. "Honoka's right. I really need you in my life. I just find it hard to admit it."

When the day finally broke, sunlight slowly enveloped them in its warm rays. They kept holding to each other like that, crying their hearts out, letting emotions overwhelmed them.

There's still a chance to make things right, they both knew that.

"Can we start over again?" Maki asked, voice heavy with tears.

Umi took Maki's face and gave her a deep and very loving kiss.

"We can."

"Promise me."

Umi kissed Maki again. She didn't want to make any empty promises. This time, it was her turn to give Maki everything she had.


End file.
